Better

Things will be better.

Because blue doesn't suit me.

And God has awesome plans for the future.

I'm gonna take it strong, yet easy.


As always.

In my own ways.


=)

Current mode: Better ;P

Out of This

Of these that upset me

These which frustrate me

Rendered me helpless

Get me out of this.

Of these that demotivate me

These which empty me

Rendered me lifeless

Get me out of this.

Of these that guilt me

These which eat me

Rendered me to nothingness

Get me out of this.

Of these that sadden me

These which overwhelm me

Rendered me to wretchedness

Get me out if this.

Please, please, please, please.

so my soul could be a bit of ease.

Current mode: Unpleasant

Sacrifices

You can never understand how much your parents means to you and your life until you witness how they work as a living.

For the first time in my 22 years of life, I was invited by my mom to her first ever biggest show in her career to observe how she does her thing and of course, as support.

It started off with the biggest bang.

It ended with the biggest blunder.

And I've witnessed both of these in one night.

As I ate supper with both my parents later after the show, I realised how the incredible amount of work my parents do, both working SO DAMN HARD, of every fiber in their body, to support the life of our family.

I also realised that there will ALWAYS be ONE single person who will screw the life out of your biggest dream of any particular moment in your life.

But you always have to be stronger than that. Because you can.

~

While Mom was performing her work, her personal manager was standing next to me. He then whispered in my ears (as we were standing near the humongous speakers):

"How does it feel like, to have a mother and a father who are both famous?"

I was asked once along the lines of this during the earlier months of last semester, which came up when I was involved with my first theatre production (this will be elaborated later), but it wasn't as upfront of a question as such above.

I was dumbfounded, I couldn't even think of an answer there and then. And all I could utter when all words failed me was, "Hmm... (cocked head on one side and think and squinted my eyes a bit) Yeah, huh?"

He looked at me and smiled, then he said, "Yeah, you keep it on low profile."

I whispered back in his ear, "Humble." And gave an honest smile.

I'm not a person to say humble or to even say that I'm humble, although it's one of my top principles. But at that point of time, I truly meant what I said.

What more, my parents are not as famous as obvious celebrities like actors or singers. They are the brains and talents behind them.

But nobody acknowledges those behind stars, when they are the ones who make them shine.

~

It is definitely an interesting life to have them as parents.

But nobody knows how much struggle and suffering they have to endure EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

In the name of arts.

In the name of entertainment.

It is a business that pays the heaviest price, and it's not just about the cash.

What will be of me?


PS: It's 5:15am. Dad is picking me up for lunch and sending me off back to uni at 12pm. And I haven't packed a single thing. I'm so becoming my mother, it scares me.

Current mode: Tired

It is All Worth it

I've made it on the list!

And it feels phenomenal.

Thank you, God.  =)

Current feeling: High xD

Tomorrow will be the Moment

Of all the hard work I've done throughout this semester; my most busiest and intense semester EVER had in my whole entire student life. 


Tomorrow will I be made known whether my blood, sweat and tears are all worth it.


I have done my best, and I have truly given my all. 


Tomorrow will be the day that everything I've committed so vigorously for is presented within a black-and-white online slip in pdf format, after a few clicks of links and typed student ID.


Semester 1, 2010/2011 RESULTS.


Will it or will it not reflect my mind-bursting, sleep-deprived, inspiration-driven, intense-thinking, problem-solving, mind-numbing, work-efficient, technologically-exasperated, high-endurability, brain-splitting, work-engulfing, incredible-tolerability, utmost-committing, mentally-exhausting EFFORTS?


Tomorrow will be the revelation.


For now, I cannot even feel about it. Coz I don't know what to feel.


Current feeling: Emotionless

Dear God

Please bless my family.

Please bless my friends.

Please bless our futures.

Please forgive me.

Current time: 0300 a.m.

Old and New

After much thought and fooling around on my Blogger account, I've decided to separate all of my blog posts to two: May 2010 onwards on this blog, and those before said date on my other discontinued blog, HERE. 


Why the separation? Coz I (and that old blog) needed a new change. There has been a lot of new changes since I started blogging back in 2007, so why not start anew on this new platform? Also, I've neglected the old thing so much it's left barely even alive, thus, a change has to emerge forth and it's hanging-by-a-thread legacy has to come to an end. 


Let it be an archive of my old life records of three challenging, yet wonderful past years, for me or anybody to read and reminisce. Let it be an evidence of how I've changed and grown in life. Let it be for what it used to be-my only place to ramble, ponder and confess whenever I needed to. 


Let it be.


Looking forward has never felt so alive. =)


Current mood: Introspective

An Accident and Multiple Birthdays

Accidental change of layout, that is. I tried this seemingly-cool-but-when-tried-sadly-not blog template, then blankly clicked a button which totally changed my old template. Without me saving it first. 


Sigh. Oh well, I had in mind already to change my blog layout a bit anyway, so here it is, as simple as ever. No fancy-smancy image header, just the real thing, right in yer face. Hihi.


Tomorrow, or rather, later, since it's now 4:07am, I'm going out to chill with me pals to celebrate their BIRFDAES! Since all of them but ME has narrow gaps in between their birthdays (and two of them having the same birthdate! I'm totally outcasted, yes.) Hangout, chill, lepak, and then watch theatre. My extra golden little fish. Whee! xD


Must sleep now. How-lah, to wake up in the morn later? Haiyaa.


Current mood: Sleep-defiant

I Miss Blogging

I really do. Too much things have happened waaay too fast since Semester 1 started. It's overwhelming. And tiring. Yet inspiring.

It's all worth it. =)

I want to record everything here that have passed these past 3 months. And I will, soon enough after my mid term exams and assignments. Because many things have been life-changing--for the good, if not for the better. *peaceful smile*

Can't wait to blog back!

Copyright comic above by Mike Lowery.




Current state: Busy

A Day of Celebration (For Two)

[Warning: Brace yourself for this super length of a post.]

Almost 6 days ago, I’ve turned 22. And I believe to have accepted it with glorious success as I’ve calmed myself, triumphantly evade a series of panic attacks, prevented from drowning into a pool of self-contemplations, and welcomed the twin numbers into my life with open arms nonchalantly. It was all smooth. But I couldn’t EVER have done all that without my absolutely amazing and wonderful friends (which I will later specially mention further ^_^). Now this, with a couple of small exceptions—in celebrating that magnificent day in which I was born beautifully 22 years ago. :’-) ♥

First, Exception 1: I wasn’t going out to celebrate with my friends.

Because at the time a few of my besties are scattered individually at Syria/Lebanon, Melaka/Dumai (Indonesia) and Pulau Pangkor, one is working, while a couple of others are at their home in different states respectively. T__T

At first I asked Chocopie on a birthday date to go and watch Toy Story 3 (which now I still haven’t seen) in OU and I already booked the tickets the night before, but I booked a tad bit too early (12.30pm. Yes, it’s early on my holiday watch xD) and I felt suddenly loathing the fact that I have to call a taxi on MY birthday. No freakin’ way. So I cancelled it out with Chocopie and got back to my princess sleep. If I couldn’t get a ride off anyone (or being offered to), I’m just fine being at home doing what I always do best, even on my day. Sloth-ing. ^_____^

Despite Crème Brûlée’s nudging birthday text message telling me to go out and not be a couch potato, I’m sorry honey, but I couldn’t help but to do just that. At least I did it with my mom, eh? It was nice lying together on the comfy sofa. And hey, that day was the first time during this semester break that I actually slept on the sofa! And be a true couch bum! Yeah, because of lack of sleep the night before, owl-ing as usual, I took a nap after some TV ogling. x)

Then it was evening. Mom told me Grandma bought me a chocolate cake(!) and we all (+ my sis) had to pick it up at her place in Amcorp Mall. We did, and I got a teddy bear from Grandma!!! Woowwoooott!!! xD It is golden brown and sooooooo soft!! Man, the very idea of getting a teddy bear at the age of 22 felt so ironically awesome, it just made the entire night so delightful... Hee hee. x3 Then we took Grandma to Grand Aunt’s house and had my birthday cake—and it was just ok. I had to be nice, of course. =b

Now, Exception 2: I was determined NOT to watch any TV channels featuring special tributes to the very first anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death day.

It was irking and depressing altogether. Therefore I avoided any form of contact involving those tributes throughout the whole day. Even after we all got back from cake-eating, my sis unwillingly went to bed and my mom and I watched some TV, the behind-the-scenes film ‘Michael Jackson’s This is it’ was shown on HBO and I told Momma straight off to change the channel.

“Dun wan to watch!” I should be lauded for my sheer determination—if only it was for something sensible.

Then fate decided to be a smart-bum and there was nothing worthy of watching on all other channels. My mom switched back to HBO. “Michael Jackson laa.” I gave a tiny sigh, gave up, and told myself, “Okay, I’ve avoided this the whole day, might as well just get it on since it’s already past midnight.”

“Hm.”

And we watched. As we stared at the screen to MJ’s rehearsals for his ‘This is it’ concert, from selecting dancers to choreographing to refining tunes for his songs to cuing music to re-shooting old videos to wishing everyone, “God bless” to directing to mentoring to dancing to singing… I realised how remarkable this man was, how unbelievable that he is now gone and how daft I was not wanting to remember his departing day. Momma of course, had commented throughout the film:

“Look at how he dresses even for rehearsals… if it’s here all our stupid artists would just wear jeans and t-shirts, but just look at him! And who the Hell is he compared to those people?”

“His pitching (song notes, not singing) is perfect. He knows exactly what’s wrong.”

“This is what he is, when he’s on stage. In front of people he’s just so soft (as in demure), but on stage this is what makes him.”

“…Mati dah dia nohh.” [loosely translated, LT: “…He really is dead, isn’t he...”]

“Look at him, he’s smiling; he’s really enjoying it—he really enjoys what he’s doing. How can they say he killed himself after doing all this—he really wants do this!”

The two last quotes were repeated several times as the film went along. And surprised myself when I answered to Momma’s “Dah takdak dah dia [my name] ooiii…” [LT: “[my name], he’s really gone forever.”]:

“Well, the world didn’t appreciate him enough when he was alive. Now when he’s dead, baru la nak terhegeh-hegeh [LT: all are clamouring] to remember him.”

And then it just hit me. Now that MJ is no longer with us, on every 25^th of June people all over the world would be celebrating his ever-inspiring contributions to the world. The world would finally appreciate him more than ever, in ways that he -more than- rightfully deserves. On this date. And this date, I would be celebrating my life being brought into this world. Life and death. Beginning and end. Happiness and sadness. But it’s all in a good way. It’s all but a sweet reminisce of what had happened and a reminder of what is to become. By moving forward.

As of right now, I don’t give a bum if people mock me of MJ’s death on my birthday. Because for all I know, that only through his death people would specially dedicate the day to remember him, appreciate him and celebrate him of his life that he had. Even if it’s just ONE day.

And it is an honour to celebrate my birthday along with it.

Commemorating MJ would lead to the next thing that I want to commemorate: FRIENDS.

Without them I wouldn’t be the person I am today. My life would be lifeless. And I feel so blessed by having to meet these beautiful people who make my life equally beautiful and I’m truly honoured having to call them as my friends. ^_^

It was a little bit past midnight (which makes it my birthday already) and I was randomly checking out blogs. Then I saw Chocopie updated her blog, so I opened her page. And I was totally blown away. O__o She dedicated a post in favour of my birthday!!! With a tribute to MJ! And the best part was, she posted a video from ‘The Simpsons’ with a birthday song in it, for me! It was the most AWESOME gift I’ve ever received in a long time and I was not just over the moon, I was over the entire universe!! xD I mean, who would ever receive a blog post gift for their birthday?? I could die happy at that moment! And it totally made my whole day, which was why I couldn’t care less about spending my birthday at home. I already had the best present of the day. =^_^=

HERE is Chocopie’s gift post for me. And babe, no words could describe how happy and and thankful and grateful I am for it, and for that we are stuck as BFFs forever! I love you lots lots lots!!! *colossal hug* xD

I also received other beautiful birthday messages that could totally replace any form of tangible presents I could ever get! x3 here a few notable ones:

Crème Brûlée: “happy birthday sweetie pie! its anothr year dat u gota thank God 4 givin u d chance 2 live ur life 2 d fullest. N wen I mean 2 d fullest, u cnt b couch potato 2day, do sumthn! lol. love u miech n il b 4evr grateful 2 God 4 evr meetin such a wonderful person like u. hapy day!” 

Cyg Muahxx: “…Bdwy, hapy2 bee day!! Haha… May Allah bless ur life be4 and aftrwds. We’ll celebrate it nxt sem! Huhu.. Mkn tua lg la kwnku inih.. =}} love ya! ♥ ♥ ♥”

Olong (the first to wish me on Facebook xD): “Hey,u r 1 year older now,1 year smarter now,1 year bigger now,and now u r 1 year closer to all your wishes. Happy birthday darling...I luv u sooooo much!~~~~~~~~~~I wanna be d first 1 wlaupon brthdy ko 2mollow...ngeh3~~OLONG”

Highheels a.k.a Yana: “miramiku... walawpon aku da wish smlm... tp secare officialnyer aku maw mengwish mu skali lg~ [my full name in caps!].... happy gorgeous day! may you become more gorgeous everyday! hahaha.... =D”

Dakcik: “Happy birthday babe ~~ Sorry kt cn tak dpt line nk sms.. ak dh sampai kt Dumai.. byk giler nk di story-mory nie.. well welcom to the age of 22~!!"

Strawbewwy a.k.a Iez: “miechaaaa! happy birthday!! may god bless u always n hav a BLAST!!! love u, love u lotssss!!”

Chocopie on FB xD: “Please tell me Im d last to wish you... hehehe... Hepi Burfday Gurl! xP *looks dead.. =)”

Hunnybun: “happy belated b'day my lovely sweet awesome fun crazily loving BBBBFFFFFFFFFF, the one and only sugarplum!!!!!!!! muahxz!!!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo. i'll be arriving on the 29th!!!!!!! can't wait to see u!!! lots of stories to share!!!!”

Cream Puff: “sorrrry lambat! HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAAAAAAAY! [belated] may you continue to be awesome and may life get better and better for you! love yooou!”

Chocopie (again) xD: “i wasn't that last n final person to wish u? oh man! =D”

This is my longest wish received on FB, from the one and only Howie ^_^:

“[1st wall post] HAha in your FACE [Chocopie]! IM the last and most special one to wish her so there! Mik, there are so many silly reasons for nt being able to write u a birthday wish sooner and that is so that mine can be above all the other wishes and be the queen of all wishes. So anyway. MIK, ur great, awesome, ageing by the year and stuff and i cant thank u enough fr being my friend at all. I mean GOSH URE OLD!!! and so the almost four years that we have known each oter are simply golden AND UR OLLLDDDDDD! but still ur like a grannie--oooppss i mean mom---oooppsss i mean gal pal to us :))))

[2nd wall post] and the cntinuation to the previous wall post is this:- (apparently facebook have the nerva to say that i cant post a REALLY LONG wall post freaaks i shall say. :)) So yeah, i cant believe how OLD u r dude! So yea, my pride wouldnt let me admit that ur brithday wish is belated so yeah HAPPY BDAY BIITTCCCHHHH!! (It doesnt bother or freak me out that PARETS might be reading this so if U have a problem with it then SUCK MINE!!! HAHAHAHAZHA) So in conclusion to my skillfull and passionately inspiring BDAY speech (And proudly the longest ever on ur wall.), UR OLLLDDDDD!!! hahah peace woman . Love you”

With this much love, I can say I’m the luckiest girl in the world! Having surrounded by so many beautiful people with equally beautiful hearts, life just couldn't get any more AWESOME. ^__^



PS: I believe this is my longest post EVER. With colour fonts! Another additional reason to celebrate yayy! xD
PSS: My name, like the rest of my friends', are protected in respect of privacy. And of being mysterious, or so. xD

Current feeling: Loved ♥

Approaching 22

So let me end it with this post.

Now, typing the title above just made me freak out. A bit. I don't know. It's not cool when you are approaching a new age and still feel unaccomplished about certain parts in life. And it's very uncool when those un-accomplishments are the children of your own doing. But hey, if the Big Boss above allows it, I still have a long way to go, eh? [Muse: Right, keep telling yourself that.]

Two days to go until the identical numbers in said title would arrive to stay for another year.

What have I learned so far, being 21? I won't ponder about it for now, I'll get back to it when I have left it for good--which is in 48 hours time.

But I DO know that during these last days of being 21, I'm not feeling my best being 21. I feel fat, lazy beyond words, useless, uninspired and pretty much brain dead. The only thing I like being fat is that my "pointer sisters" (special thanks to Howie xD) are fuller. Word. Currently...

and...

Pathetic, I know. This is what usually happens when semester break starts, and this time it's in for 3 friggin' weeks. O_o I even revamped my dead blog. Why would anyone ever revamp their DEAD blog? Well, I thought it'll be better off dead lookin' good, at the very least. Or it just comes to show that I currently have no life. T___T

Inspiration, wait for meeehh--I'm gonna getchaaa! Coz I need a change from this pesky die-hard attitude...

...before the new semester starts. Coz next semester is gonna be COLOSSAL (again, thanks Howie xD). 

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Current animal: Sloth

25 Songs

It's amazing how you could lose a friend completely over a bastard of a guy.

It's mind-blowing how a friend could degrade herself to the lowest degree possible and discard her dignity like trash after a fight with that bastard of a guy, then accepting him back a day later AFTER you have carefully comforted her during that 24 hours in the aftermath of the so-called break-up. 

And it’s incredible how you put such thought and effort to somewhat re-bond with that fading now-ex-friend when at the very last minute she bailed out WITHOUT texting you an apology, but texting her excuse to another friend. Without even a half-attempt sorry. Nothing.

And that another friend of yours cancelled the pre-planned re-bonding outing on a minute that couldn’t be any later.

I haven’t been this livid for a long while. 

[Edit: Okay I misunderstood the messages given from that another friend. Ex-friend didn't bail out and that another friend actually told me earlier of the cancellation--it was actually her, not ex-friend who couldn't make it. Still, it could not change the fact that I was extremely livid at the time.]

The cancelled outing day arrived and I just couldn’t wait to go home. I put on my best I’m-royally-pissed face and lazily looked forward to be alone all the way and at home.

Then a savior emerged by just one mobile call. A BFF.

We had lunch, went to see Grand Aunt, succumbed to a huge clothes’ sale, had long chats over dinner at my new fave restaurant, bought a couple of (the same) stuff and ended the day with some karaoke. 25 songs to be exact.

My vocal chords never felt so alive. My infuriation never felt so cleansed. It was too awesome to even describe.

She made my day and night after a state of utter lividness.

To that BFF, thank you for putting my sanity and insanity back in their usual place. ♥


Current mood: Satiated 

Reaching Out to Gaza

It is rare for me to do this. Matters of war and the aftermath of it usually make me go silent about them, or better yet, ignored. I don’t want to know about them. I don’t want to hear about them. I don’t want to look at them.

The term ‘ignorant is bliss’ cannot be any more damn true.

It is profoundly sad, depressing, heart breaking and elicit hopelessness to its worst. It makes you angry. Frustrated. Disgusted.

That is why I evade them before they enter my thoughts, eyes and ears, because it makes me SICK to the deepest pits of my stomach.

I admit that I am ignorant of the history, the facts and the hidden truths. I DID make efforts before to educate myself, be it buying books and magazines, or attending mass gatherings. But all in vain when at the end of the day, I couldn’t take it any more. I had enough.

I took in some bits and pieces of information and I left the rest at that. They are now all jumbled up in my head, having no trail of connection from one to the other and they are clearly remote from making any sense. I didn’t care then. I wanted to run away from every little thing that has any form of relation to these matters.

Because it hurts.

But I cannot be that child anymore.

The last Israeli-Gaza war of 2009 was a hideous massacre. As devastating as it was, it was just a mass murder. Before you blatantly kill me yourself, let me further explain. The war was inevitable. It happened. Innocent civilians of fine men, women, children and elderly were mercilessly killed. Yet as I see it, it is better to be dead.

It is better for the fine men to expire than them seeing their wives, children and close friends being taken away from them or injured to the point of death, or die in front of their eyes, battered and drenched in their own blood.

It is better for the fine women to pass on away than to witness their husbands being blown to pieces or watch their sons and daughters without their limbs crying, screaming in agony, if not dead in their arms.

It is better for the fine children to be forever in slumber than to be terrified, traumatised from watching their parents’ humiliated and abused in torture, gunned with dozens of bullets through them or unexpectedly die while they tightly held their children in embrace by means of protection.

It is better for the fine elderly to exhale their last breaths than witnessing their families torn apart in mass killings, or having to feel sunken in sheer hopelessness and hating themselves for their limitations of old age to protect their children and grandchildren before they were harmed or shot dead.

Because life hurts.

I personally wouldn’t mind being dead myself, it’s just I’m afraid of my life luggage that is still haven’t fully packed yet for me to meet my Creator. But who am I to say this, when He could have booked me an early one-way ticket without the chance to finish packing.

And it hurts agonisingly when the Israelis attacked the Freedom Flotilla, the very source to nurture life back in Gaza. To violate the cause of aid to life is completely revolting, unforgivable and inhumane. It has sicken me so severely to the extent that my very heart throbs in turbulence enough to wrench me out of my ignorant bliss and vent this out on this blog, which is something I haven’t done before for such a current world situation. It has moved me to this. The feeling I experienced watching this news on TV and reading it in pamphlets is unfathomable. 

May the innocents be saved and protected. May those responsible be served equal damage to what they have done.

Amin.


The Free Gaza Movement website, here.

Current state: Nauseated